For the last two days I have been walking around like someone suffering from acute and permanent incontinence (if you can have both at the same time).
Contrary to popular belief, this is no laughing matter.
Returning from an early morning -5 degree run round the icy fields with M t'other day, we proceeded to indulge in the kind of muscle-strengthening exercises that would do the Ministry Of Funny Walks proud.
This was the cause of a good deal of merriment for our neighbours, who were treated to such random expressions as my goodness, you don't have to bend far before you can really feel it, do you? and how low down are you so supposed to go, exactly? and how many times do you need to do it before it makes a difference?
After five minutes of this, ill-disguised audible snorts of laughter were coming from behind the fence.
What were we doing? I hear you cry in intrigued voices.
Which is a deceptively easy-looking exercise (so don't let that fool you) that involves walking in large bending-the-knee-low-to-the-ground type steps up and down the garden. The knee of the back leg (so to speak) touches the ground. You obviously then swap round so the other knee touches the ground on the next step. It doesn't exactly hurt but you can feel it working. It's meant to strengthen the glute muscles that power runners up hills.
After only ten or so steps we had finished, and I said to M, well, that wasn't too bad, I reckon I could easily do that every day, and I went indoors for a shower wondering at the wry grin on his face.
I knew exactly what the grin meant when I woke next morning and couldn't move.
Every single muscle fibre in my bottom was on fire.
I couldn't get out bed and had to lever myself up using M as a staging post and then I discovered I couldn't walk. I tried to sit down again and couldn't do that either because it was too painful. In the end (with my husband crying with laughter and threatening to video me and put it on the blog) I managed to waddle over to my clothes and somehow got dressed, with much sharp in-drawing of breaths, then eased myself gingerly and with much oohing and ahhing down the stairs, one at a time. It was only when I got to the bottom that I remembered I was driving Ma into Winchester that morning so we could go fabric shopping together.
I somehow got into the car and drove over to her house, then realised everything had seized up again during the drive so I couldn't get out without hanging onto the door. She of course took one look at my waddling, I've-Been-On-Board-Ship-For-Far-Too-Long, sailor's rolling gait and also couldn't stop laughing. Needless to say the entire shopping trip was punctuated with lots of jokes about walking sticks and old ladies, which got worse when I had to take the lift up to the second floor of C&H Fabrics and then virtually slid down the banisters at Cath Kidston's because I couldn't face walking down the stairs.
It wasn't any better by the evening. I made a cake, and had to sit on the floor of the kitchen in order to get it out of the oven because bending down was impossible. Poppy found this most intriguing and sat staring at me with her head cocked to one side trying to work out whether it was a game or not. I actually forgot the cake was in the oven and so, to save it from burning, leapt up off the sofa when I remembered and took half a running step before I was reminded (by way of excruciating muscle pain) that I couldn't walk let alone run, and so ended up doing this bizarre and (judging from M's renewed paroxysms of laughter) comic hopping waddle instead. L came in in the middle of this, took one look at me, raised an eyebrow and delivered the immortal line: I keep telling you exercise is bad for you, before walking off chuckling.
Today it is slightly better, although I am still walking like someone with a poo in their pants and having to lever myself into and out of chairs.
By way of recompense I got some lovely fabrics, ribbons, lace and buttons in Winchester and also treated myself to a couple of sewing project books, which, as I am a beginner, will hopefully prove useful. They are giving me some good ideas on what to make, but I would very much like any suggestions you expert crafters and sewers out there have? I need a pin cushion so that will probably by my first project (hopefully nice and simple) and I'm wondering about making a patchwork quilt. (Amy I remember that fantastic one you made from old shirt material last summer, so if you have any tips for a beginner I'd really appreciate them. I'll try and find the post you wrote too).
Here are some pics of my purchases. (Note the G&T in the bottom right of the first pic, an essential component of any sewing project). I have had the little round sewing basket since I was a girl :o)
Anyhoo, will keep you posted on the outcome of my sewing adventures and hope by the time I blog again to have a normal working bum!
Hope all are well,