1. If your puppy wears fox poo perfume once she will want to wear it again.
2. Fox poo does not a) smell all that nice, b) wash off completely c) hangs about on the air for ages afterwards and c) is no respecter of surgical gloves.
3. If you have a presentation to give at college you can be sure to develop a spot on your chin the day before.
4. Ted can do a remarkably convincing mime of someone walking rapidly on the spot barefoot on hot sand when he doesn't want to go somewhere.
6. Adopted-Ecology-Daughters give lovely birthday cards.
7. If I do a talk on moths I will not be able to keep it to five minutes.
8. If Ted finds a fisherman's sandwiches lying in a bag by the lake he will eat them, regardless of how fast the fisherman is running towards him, or how loudly he is shouting....
9. If I'm forced to listen to boring people who talk too much I will fall asleep.
10. If you go out to exchange a t-shirt you bought last week for twenty quid, you'll end up coming home with a bag of shopping that cost two hundred.
11. You won't be able to explain to your husband how this happened.
12. He won't believe you.
13. If your husband snores loudly enough, often enough, you'll soon be tired enough to pinch him Quite Hard to make him stop.
14. When he then gets up at 5am before work the next morning to make you a surprise birthday cake from scratch, including two lots of butter icing and Belgian chocolate eggs and candles, you will feel Very Guilty Indeed about this.
15. Just because shampoo says it is 'natural' does not mean that it will smell nice.
16. It is possible to drink expensive wine just as fast as cheap wine, especially if you have new glasses the size of a bucket.
17. Gin and Tonic tastes nicer with lime concentrate squirted in it than a slice of lemon.
18. The conversations of nineteen year old boys add nothing whatsoever to the life of a 41 year old woman.
19. Sons can surprise you with moments of absolute gorgeousness when you least expect it.
20. This more than makes up for all the grumpy-teen-ness.
21. If you feed your cat salmon cat food she will be sick. If you feed it to her again a year later having forgotten she was sick the first time round, she will be sick again.
22. If you then let your puppy into the cat's room having forgotten to clean up the sick the puppy will do it for you.
23. If you leave a sweet potato at the back of the cupboard for three months it will still look exactly like a sweet potato.
24. This is an illusion, which you will discover only when you attempt to pick it up.
25. If you accidentally put an expensive jumper in with the normal wash the only person who'll be able to wear it afterwards will be a very small fairy.
26. If you buy your son a humourous t-shirt and don't look at it properly, the chances are it will have a very rude hand gesture printed somewhere on the front that is immediately obvious to everyone else except you.
27. This includes the very strict librarian who works in the library where your son goes to change his books.
28. It is impossible to walk past a special offer on Champagne.
29. Flowers from friends put a smile on your face.
30. It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness, especially when you've got a power cut.
31. Takeaways taste best when you've had a long, tiring day and can't be bothered to cook.
32. If you are off to a very smart do at your sister's workplace where you are expected to be on your best behaviour, it is probably advisable not to have a dinner party the night before and get uproariously drunk with your friends.....
Wishing you all a lovely weekend,