Thursday, 13 August 2015

Dreams and Rain and Pathways


Rain is forecast, and thunder. I've just been outside and the air is tight with the expectation of wetness to come. The temperature is dropping, a fraction only, but it is sufficient for the observant to recognise a Herald Of Rain when it's present. The sky darkens, the bird calls draw together into silence, and now I hear the distant rumble of thunder beginning low and ominous behind the Gronk of the Raven's call.

The door is open so I sit here wrapped in a shawl of velvet and linen which is decorated with wildflowers and butterflies, listening to the whisper of the beginning rain. The air that comes with it is clean, fresh, the dust of recent days dampened out of it, born to the ground, pressed into the earth, washed away. And I am glad of it, because too much of one type of weather is stultifying.

It's been a strange summer, quite unsettling at times. I have had days of being very tired, falling-asleep-on-the-sofa-at-midday-tired, which isn't like me at all. I've had dizzy spells (now gone, thank goodness) and migraines which have resulted in me being more mindful about future commitments, especially those that expect of me travel away from home. I've become alerted to the true motives of someone I liked and trusted, and have disentangled myself from that relationship, a process that was uncomfortable and unsettling although necessary. I felt foolish that I had allowed myself to be fooled. I have been on the receiving end of other people's indifference when Ted, Pops and I were out walking and a woman's enormous dog bolted into us, sending all three of us flying. I ended up on the ground, cut, bruised and shaken and the poor dogs got yanked about by their necks because they were on their leads. I was stunned at her response, which was a shrug and a dogs will be dogs kind of thing. I have, at times, needed to be firm in defending the peace and tranquility of our home when other people have attempted to bring conflict into it, a thing neither of us will tolerate.
 


It's taken me a while to understand what has been going on. It has been about redefining paths, shedding skins that were too tight or no longer fitted me, and that has, inevitably, involved a certain amount of tearing and the discomfort that comes with it, but now that I understand that I can see that what I've been doing is preparing the ground so the right kind of seeds can grow.

A few nights ago I had a dream. I was walking along a trackway made of wood. It was simply constructed of a few flat planks laid side by side and it was raised a few inches off the ground. It meandered, like the swaying curves of a river across a floodplain. It was a path that asked nothing of me, involving no tests, challenges or learning. Eventually it peeled off to the left where it faded from sight.

On the right of the small track was a much bigger wooden structure. Tall, wide and strongly constructed, it supported a trackway at its top that ran straight and true as far as the eye could see. It wasn't flat, it rose up and down but the way was always broad and the path didn't deviate from it's forward line.

I looked down and saw that the space between the two walkways was filled with water, deep and dark, but every now and then, at regular intervals, posts of solid wood stood out.

I jumped from the low down meandering trackway and leapt into the water. Instantly, it became choppy and I was buffeted about, pulled this way and that, banged into the posts, which I grabbed hold of and used to make my way over to the tall structure. When I finally reached its base I looked up and realised it was even higher than it had seemed, rearing way up above my head. I thought what an effort it would take to climb up it, but I also saw it had lots of hand and foot holds and that it wouldn't be impossible, it would just take time, commitment, determination. It was a climb you could do if you really, really wanted to get to the path at the top.

I woke up at that point but the meaning of the dream seemed clear enough. Two choices: remain as you are on a meandering path that has no clear direction and could get swamped if ever the waters chose to rise, or take your courage in your hands and strike out for the other track, the one solidly built and running straight and true that will take some effort to arrive at.

That's what this summer has been about, shifting direction, jumping into water and striking out for the right path. And the problems encountered, whether they have been delivered to me by other people, or by my body reacting to the knowledge it already had that I was on the wrong path and trying, with increasing severity, to shake me and tell me so, were there to teach and guide.

I have a feeling there may be a bit more of it still to come, some fine-tuning perhaps, but I think now I have my head clear and the direction laid out in front of me. Presumably that's why the dizziness has stopped- I'm no longer metaphorically spinning about uncertain of which way to go.

Rather a Deep And Meaningful one from me today. Next week is busy so you'll be relieved to hear I won't be assaulting your eyes/ ears/ brains. The downside is you'll probably get another post from me tomorrow to make up for it. I have moths to show you, and fabric, and Poppy in her plant pot peering through the fence to see what the neighbours are up to, and Teddy Getting Cross with squirrels (they are driving him nuts, scampering along the telegraph wires among the hazel, picking hazelnuts and chucking them at him)....all the everydays that make life a Nice Place To Be :o)

Right, off to wake up the Recalcitrant Teen and get on with some sewing.

The rain has begun in earnest now....

Blessings to you all.

CT x

28 comments:

  1. People you do not like cannot really betray you because you do not trust them. The people who upset you most are ones you think of as friends and who you do trust. Never pleasent to have to confront this but it is better than putting your head in the sand.

    We are having lovely soft rain in London, I went out to the bank and then wandered through Lincoln's Inn just enjoying the sound of rain on the trees. Got back to the office very refreshed. Take the dogs and the teen for a walk in the rain.

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    1. That is sound advice, both the not burying your head and the walking in the rain.
      I have a soft spot for Lincoln's Inn, due mainly to CJ Sansom and his wonderful Shardlake books.

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  2. What a lovely soothing post. We're just about to embrace a big change, and even though we have been working towards it for some time the fact that it is now becoming reality is a little bit scary but very exciting at the same time. Have a lovely afternoon sewing and let's hope the rain eases for a walk later today.

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    1. Change does that have that element of risk attached to it doesn't it? But I'm a firm believer in listening to your inner voice and trusting it. Good luck- I hope all goes well for you.

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  3. Unfortunately, I think that sooner or later a person's true nature will eventually be revealed. As hard as it is to re-evaluate ones opinion of a friend, it is necessary and cleansing to do so. Shame though, isn't it? I think all your reflection is terribly productive. These last days of summer can be a good pause before the briskness of Autumn sets us right again. Sewing while under rain and thunder sounds lovely! x

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    1. I had hints about it for a while, but I suppose chose to ignore them, until it became impossible to ignore any more. Oh well, we live and learn. xx

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  4. I am so very sorry to read that you have been hurt by someone, I do not claim to know you in any way other than through your blog, but you seem to me to be a very loving, caring, kind person and I cannot imagine why someone would do something to hurt someone as lovely as you obviously are. I am so very sorry for you. It is never easy to deal with. Hopefully you can move onwards and upwards and get back on track again. I don't know about that other person - or the nasty dog walking lady!!! - but I think that you are great and wish only the very best for you. Massive hugs - and tell T & P that I told them to send you one each from me too!!! xxxxxxxx

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    1. You are a dear soul, Amy. Thank you for all your lovely words which have put a smile on my face! I got the hug, thanks. xx

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  5. Hey CT,
    You know, I am so very grateful that Sarah suggest I pop over and visit your blog last year. It's not just the wondrous nature and the sharing of knowledge you so generously give. It's not just your obvious zip and zest for life. It's not even so I can live vicariously through one who can wear shorts. It is your honest and genuine reflection. So thank you for that. I never remember my dreams. They drift away from mr as soon as I open my eyes. It perplexes me greatly.
    Leanne xx

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    1. Well you know I am also very glad Sarah pointed you my way as your blog is one of my stand-out favourites and I love reading your thoughts and reflections too. I realise at times like these how much I have come to rely on the kindness of blogging friends, their advice, their concern, their understanding and their shared good humour. Yay for blogging, eh?
      I have been running in the bright pink shorts this evening with Poppy. We went rather fast as they are a teensy weensy bit see-through and I didn't think it fair to inflict that in slow motion on the neighbours :o) xx

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  6. We had heavy rain in Gosport today, where I work, and it looks ready to pour again, I agree we had a terrible cold late spring and now summer is not shaping up at all.

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    1. Our garden and pond are sighing sighs of relief with the rain :o)

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  7. I think - and have always done so - that either we push ourselves out into the wide world and expect sometimes to get let down or badly hurt (this has happened to me a few times and the hurt has been slow to fade) or we shut ourselve away. I have often been tempted to the latter but as we grow older maybe we become more discerning, because my present group of friends are a loyal bunch and I thank them all for being so. I feel for you and hope you see your way through the wood.

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    1. I agree- I think we get better at weighing the risk and gain as we get older and therefore which path to take. My close friends are all a lovely bunch whom I've known for years. This was a newish one who came in under disguise as it turned out. Still, I'm aware of the truth now :o)

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  8. Oh, I've been there,the inner struggle having someone in your life who shouldn't be there...the realisation of their true self,and taking seemingly drastic measures simply for self preservation.Looking back, there is a feeling of stupidity for being 'taken in',but when we know better,we do better...and that bodes for a better future.
    You will be fine.
    Flutter on!
    Jane x

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    1. That's it in a nut shell- having someone in your life who shouldn't be there. Extricating yourself is tough sometimes, isn't it? Yes, I already feel lighter so it was the right move xx

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  9. How good is must have been sitting with the door open waiting for the rain and appreciating those changes. Sorry you have had an unsettling summer and have been let down by someone you considered to be a friend. I hope the path you are planning on taking will bear good fruit. Changes are always difficult to make but can be so rewarding. Did you manage to capture the squirrels throwing nuts at Ted? Sarah x

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    1. I feel very excited about the tweak in direction- plenty to do which is all good. I will report back in due course :o)

      I got a pic of Ted looking infuriated with the squirrels, but none of the squirrels chucking nuts or laughing at him. He did, at one point, try to climb a tree to reach them but sadly I didn't have the camera with me at the time. I am certain, however, that this will be repeated as he thinks he can climb trees every August :o) Love to you and Tavi and the rest of the clan x

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  10. Oh my dear I'm sorry your having a crappy time & people who peeve are simply not worth spending the time with as upsetting that may be over friendships lost or perhaps were not meant to be. I might post my similar tale of woe next week or perhaps brush it away with the rubbish. I could never post so eloquently so it would sound like a whine anyway! A few spots of rain here though I hope it stays off until I can plant my new sprouting broccoli plants, the little pleasures that lift us and all. Hope you had a pleasant sewing day & errm teens!!!!! I returned home from work to a flattened hydrangea bush take care xx

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    1. It doesn't happen often so I suppose I was about due for a wool pulled over eyes moment. Removing the wool helped and, as if often the case, has now freed up a lot of space for other more healthy and helpful things :o) Feel free to unburden if you need to Jo, it really wouldn't be a whine and I would send you a 'buoying you up' type message :o) I am intrigued to know whether the flattened hydrangea was due to weather or your lovely teenager?! xx

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  11. I'm so sorry you've had some tricky times, but as you say, sometimes you have to go through things to get to a better, truer place. I'm glad that you feel you're on a better path now. It's been a wobbly sort of summer here a bit too. Lots of uncertainty and anxiety. I don't do well with it all, but I'm sure it will pass. I hope that things go well for you now and that you reach the place that you want to be. Well done for being strong enough to do the difficult things to get there. Hugs, CJ xx

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    1. Perhaps there's something in the air? Or maybe it's just life's stages. I have a feeling much of this will settle with september's arrival. I hope it's a clean broom for you too. Sounds like we could both do with the cleansing effect of some sweeping out of dust and cobwebs xx

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  12. Everybody who walks this earth has been betrayed in their lifetime. Its the wise ones who have the courage to seek the answers and go through with them, even though the decisions might tear at you. Your dream showed you the path, and you made the right choice. As my Mum used to say....."Sometimes in life, you just have to take your broom and clean out the closet". It truly hurts when someone betrays trust; however, we learn from life's lessons too - even when they strike hard. Always remember the lessons from the past, take a deep breath, relax and look forward to tomorrow. Behind every broken door is the answer. You only have to think, and take action. Have a wonderful day my dear and know you are not alone in experiences like this - sometimes tough just have to be made for the betterment of all.

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    1. I'm a big fan of sweeping cobwebs out. As you say, every experience is useful and hopefully it all makes us wiser. x

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  13. Refresh yourself this week-poor thing, negative relationships are draining...you suddenly realise they are not doing you any good at all. Well done on seeing a way out.

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    1. I am feeling much more energetic, having disentangled myself some time ago, but thank you for the good wishes x

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  14. the careful construction of appropriate boundaries [ie. not too severe, not too lax] is an ongoing task, isn't it? and as a very loyal person, it's been very hard for me to let go of toxic friendships/relationships in the past. but it's always worth the discomfort of doing so in the end.

    i'm glad you're finding your way -- there must be something in the air this year, it's been a whopper of letting-go and recalibrating for me as well....but All Good Stuff after all is said and done.

    xo

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    1. A relief to get out of it. You realise how exhausting it all is once it stops, eh? I get cross at how much energy someone like that takes up, when there are so many better things to use it for. Folk are either drains or radiators, when all's said and done xx

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Thank you for leaving a comment. I always enjoy reading them and will try my best to reply to every one. CT x