1. If you leave washing on the line overnight it will rain, even if no rain has been forecast.
2. If you bring it in because rain has been forecast, it won't.
3. If you go swimming having neglected to shave your
legs for several days beforehand, some emergency will occur in the pool that will result in you being forced to get out and sit on the side with your hirsute legs
on full and very obvious display, because a swimming costume isn't known for its voluminous covering up folds.
4. If you entrust home grown salad preparation to your husband because you are busy hosting a dinner party, the probability of there being at least one small slug and one small snail in the mix is Quite High. Furthermore, the probability of them ending up on the plate of the one person in the room who can't bear the countryside let alone slugs is (I would now say) a given.
5. If you say something stupid/ personal/ contentious in a Very Loud Room, there will be a sudden, absolute and unexpected hush at the very moment you speak and then Everyone will stare at you.
6. If you are in a rush to iron labels onto your son's PE socks (which were purchased at Unreasonable And Great expense) because he announces to you at 10pm that he has PE the next day, you will in fact iron a hole in one of the socks that renders it unwearable and then have to go in to school the next day to explain why your son only has one sock for PE.
7. The benefit of this is that you will then learn that Lost Property has in fact got hundreds of single PE socks for sale at the princely sum of 50p each, leaving you to wonder why you didn't just get them from the second hand shop in the first place.
8. If you go to sleep Bravely and Kindly leaving an enormous Wolf Spider on your wall (instead of putting it out in the dark/ cold/ wet as you should have done) it will repay you by walking across your face half way through the night.
9. If your husband reads you a bedtime story the night before he is due to present an important conference paper he will wake you up sleep-reading from the same book in the pitch black at 3am.
10. Likewise if an impending meeting of Great Importance is taking place the following day he will wake up in the middle of the night convinced that there is a party of tourists waiting to be shown around your house, switch on an invisible torch that only he can see and march off to find them on the landing.
11. If this is the third night in a row you have been thusly woken, you will no longer care about the potential falling-down-the-stairs-while-asleep hazard and let him get on with it.
12. If you put on new steel toe-capped boots and then ask your 14 year old son to jump on them to demonstrate their efficacy, he will, in fact, jump with his full and entire weight on that part of the boot that doesn't have any steel reinforcements and quite possibly break your foot.
13. If you are wearing boots that lace up at the front and you cross your feet while seated for dinner, by the time you get up they will have interlaced which the result that you fall in a great big ungainly heap on the floor and your family will laugh until they are crying.
14. If you drink too much wine you will get a headache.
15. But not before you have embarrassed yourself singing a song you didn't know the words to in a Very Loud and somewhat Off Key voice, which other people can hear and will remind you of later, when you are in the midst of the aforementioned headache.
16. If you cut your husband's hair the night before your wedding, even if you have been doing it confidentally and competently for years, for some unaccountable reason you will fix the wrong blade to the clippers and scalp him, and the evidence will forever more be contained in your very expensive wedding photos.
17. Even if you know a person's name is Terry you will find yourself calling him Brian (to his face) forever more, and telling other people that his name is Brian.
18. If you address an email to a work colleague beginning "Dear Alexander" because that is his name, CC it to the rest of your department and don't check it before you send it, spell check will in fact alter it so that it reads "Dear Alligator," and you will get a return email saying: "Alligator....?"
19. If you send your ten year old daughter to a private primary school in the hope of getting her literacy up to speed and she sits a test that contains the question: "name the part of the ear that begins with "L"?" she will invariable write down "lug 'ole," causing the other parents to keep their offspring as far away from you as possible.
And finally, my personal favourite, and a TRUE story (it happened to my Uncle at a Very Smart London Dinner Party years ago).....
20. If you ever have the misfortune to be seated next to someone at a dinner party whose sense of humour has been surgically removed, and you attempt in some desperation after more or less an hour of monosyllabic replies to lighten the mood by jokingly observing "I bet you can't do that" and then gesture to the cat who has been twisting its head round to lick the back of its neck, by the time the humourless one has turned round the cat will in fact be licking its bum.
Have a great evening all,